|I Don’t Think of You (Until I Do)
by Tatiana Ryckman
| Future Tense Books, 2017
I Don’t Think of You (Until I Do) by Tatiana Ryckman is a poetic novella about love, heartbreak, and distance. Over a short but powerful 110 pages, Ryckman details a gender ambiguous narrator’s struggles in a long-distance relationship. Striking imagery and metaphors construct the longing the narrator feels when away from their love. They see their partner in every object and conjure an ideal of them to fill the empty place in their heart. Even in the fleeting moments the couple is together, the narrator is unsatisfied because of their struggle to reconcile the idealized version and the real version of their partner. This novella forces the reader to feel the compulsion and allure of a cyclical and often miserable relationship.
The first thing that struck me about this book was the language. It’s a novella, but it almost reads like a poetry collection with a non-linear plot and short blocks of text artfully arranged on each page. In a way, it reminded me of Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey; the author strikes strong emotional chords with short blocks of text. To achieve this emotional affect, Ryckman carefully arranges her words to put the reader in the head of the narrator: “Alone in bed, I’d say, I’m dying, over and over again. But nothing happened. My cells rearranged at the same rate.” This line exemplifies the common dilemma of existing despite feeling like reality is crumbling around you. To further connect with the reader, the ambiguity of the characters allows anyone into the story. At one point the narrator speaks of their love: “I hadn’t thought of you as The Other, only as The. As Me.” Without gendered pronouns, this line shows only the reaction one feels when they are deeply connected with someone. Through her language, Ryckman recognizes the complex and deeply human feelings of infatuation.
Along with strong language, I Don’t Think of You (Until I Do) delivers a powerful message about what it means to love someone. So many times, long distance or not, people find themselves idealizing others, such as when the narrator is laying in their bed at night: “Your turned head faded when I watched my memory too closely, your lips disappearing from my wrist when I thought I had felt them.” It’s passages such as this that depict the construction of a fantasy to fill the holes around a fleeting memory. Because of their tendency to fantasize, we get the sense that the narrator is never truly happy. Ryckman speaks to the complexity of human relationships, which is more nuanced than a traditional love story where the couple lives happily ever after. With this distance and romanticism, comes an accurate depiction of modern love. The narrator mentions many times “the impossibility of a relationship neither of us were willing to give up anything for,” which speaks on how people put their job before love, but at what cost? The narrator doesn’t even seem connected to their job, rarely mentioning it despite that it keeps them from their partner. It’s in the tangle of idealization and unhappiness, that Ryckman successfully depicts the difficulties of a long-distance relationship.
I Don’t Think of You (Until I Do) is a brief but insightful read, perfect for a rainy Saturday or your morning commute. It’s original, written with its own poetic style, working to draw the reader in through emotions rather than plot. The content is relatable, heartfelt, and oozing with intricacy. Ryckman made me reflect on my own love life and the love lives of others. And that’s what a good story should do: force you to look at the hard truths in life through empathy.